The Re-naming of Columbus Day

by Linus

Today as many American’s are given the opportunity to sleep in a little later and enjoy a matinee due to the celebration of a mass murderer, more cities and states are slowing beginning to come around to the idea of re-naming this day to something along the lines of ‘Indigenous Peoples Day’, which of course would shift the focus from the murderer to the murdered. 

Today Vermont joins a growing list of states, and Denver & Phoenix join the list of cities which are choosing to join my movement and cease to honor someone who’s hero status was rammed down our throats as children.  The fact that we have been forced to honor this man, this villain, this murderer for years has sickened me to no end.  It is a relief that more and more people are coming to the realization that it is quite impossible to discover a land that is already inhabited by people.  By shifting the focus onto the poor people that Chris murdered represents a small moment of growth for the collective consciousness of the World.  These pre-21st century Trayvon Martin’s were simply minding their own business (metaphorically walking down the street), when all of a sudden (over the course of several weeks), Chris and his gang arrived on their turf (land), and brought violence and disease (violence and disease), and enslaved the natives before raping and murdering them all so the European’s (the same idiots who voted to leave the European Union) could trade slaves (thus showing a trend of European’s making stupid decisions for literally hundred’ of years in a row…remember these are the same people who said the Beatles were good).

I applaud Vermont for joining my movement and making this change.  By no means though does this provide a reason to visit Vermont, it is still arguably one of the most boring states we have, but by taking this step to move even farther out on the liberal curve, they do gain a measure of coolness.  If only they could figure out a way to inject alcohol into their maple syrup…then we will have something.  They join states like Alaska, which adopted Indigenous Peoples Day in 2015, and Hawaii, which has long celebrated Discovers’ Day as states that have been enlightened.  I’m glad to finally see a state that actually makes sense why it is a state adopt this change.  Don’t get me wrong, Alaska and Hawaii are great states, they just have no business actually being U.S. states.  The country of Spain is also considering not only abolishing Columbus Day as a holiday, but they are taking it one step further and are also exploring (no pun intended) removing the paid holiday status and treating October 12th like any other day.  The only thing I really care that Spain continue to do is export first class talent like Antonio Banderas and that dog who worked for taco bell a few years ago, but if they can help take my movement national, then I’ll look at eating more paella.

As with every good movement, there are always dissenters (i.e. idiots).  For the second year in a row, the fine people Oklahoma City have rejected this movement, quite surprising considering Ok city is home to the second largest population of Native Americans.  I guess memories, just like long lost relatives, are hard to find there.  But given that Ok city is so far from anything of any substance, or anything really, it is understandable that the movement take some time to reach them.  We must remember that the ultimate goal here is erase Columbus, just like Kim Kardashian, from the history books.  Both people have brought nothing but pain and heartache and have no reason to be studied.

With every day that passes, every year that fades into the history books, we move one step closer to righting this wrong.  And no we will never be able to bring these people back, or any people really, but by making this change (as well as by adopting Arbor Day as a national holiday), we will continue to move in the right direction.  So get off your computer, go write your local congressman, tell them to get off their asses and off their computers and do something, but more to the point tell them to join the movement, abolish Columbus Day like he abolished my early relatives.  He showed no regard for their lives, so it is only fair that we show no regard for the many statues we have of him across ‘Merica.

Now for God sakes people, go plant a tree!