The Mighty Mall Santa

by Linus

By now I’m sure most of you may have already heard of the mall Santa out in Mission Viejo, CA who turned away a little girl with Autism because she had a pit bull for a guide dog. This is a really sad story. This adorable little girl waited in line for 30 minutes only to get up to the front of the line and get turned away, purely because of her guide dog. If you know anyone with Autism, you know that the fact that this little girl was able to wait in the line for that long while keeping her composure is a victory in its own right. Thankfully the mall did the right thing and promptly fired that Santa along with his little elf for what they did. To make it worse, her family offered to take the dog away so the little girl could have a turn on Santa’s lap, but that fat bastard still refused her. The world has no place for people like that, hopefully the next time someone see’s that fatso will be in the unemployment line.

For those of you familiar with the above story, you may have gotten caught up in the sad part, while completely missing the other glaringly obvious problem here. The fact that this poor little girl’s parents named her Abcde. Yes, you read that right…her name is Abcde Santos…pronounced ab-suh-dee. *sigh. Have we completely run out of ingenuity? Are we just done thinking as a world? Have we given up? Apparently Mr. & Mrs. Santos have. Does Abcde have a sister…perhaps named Qwerty? Or a brother named Yz…pronounced why-zee. Is her cousin named Mnop…pronounced ma-nop. I can’t wait for someone to be named Asterisk. I already know someone named Astrid so we are close…and thanks to Prince, it is now acceptable to simply be called a symbol…so Asterisk could sign things ‘*’. After all, that is easier than that symbol that the artist formerly known as Prince went by. I want someone to name their kid Butter. How smooth would that be…someday some rapper is definitely going to name their kid Butter, straight Butter. I think it will be a direct result of this post. I want Tom and Giselle to name their next kid Butter…Butter Brady. You just can’t argue with that. Gwyneth named her kid after a fruit. Kanye named his kid after a direction…a direction! I can’t wait to see what they name their next kid…’Over There’ perhaps. Over There West…it has a nice ring to it. What about Come Here, Come Here West…sort of a play on Go West…oh, there’s the answer. Go West. Two kids, North & Go…Game over. Kanye wins.

I find it appropriate to end with a quote from the winner…

“In the night, I hear ’em talk,
the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road,
he lost his soul to a woman so heartless..

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