Headlines

by Linus

As I was browsing this morning, I came across a few unique headlines:

Missing Boy Found Alive in His Basement – First of all, this is perhaps the greatest headline ever. How could you not want to read that story? Of course it is from Michigan…but the first rule when you lose someone is to actually look for them in your own house! It’s like when you lose your glasses, you look on your head. You lose your kid, you look in the basement. Duh! It just goes to the greater point that most people are not qualified to be parents.

Drone Peeps at Undressed Women – Need another reason not to trust the Government?

Flight Attendant Brings Sass to Sky – Let’s hope she brings back the free peanuts too…that was the best part about flying.

The World’s Tallest Tower? – The interesting point about this is the use of the ‘?’. So are they asking if there is a World’s tallest tower? If it comes down to the simple task of measuring, I would think this debate could be solved relatively quickly.

Vasectomy Part of Guys Plea Deal – Need more evidence that women really are cruel? In addition, I’m glad we are finally doing something about the fact that some people are not qualified to be parents.

Facebook is 69% Male and Mostly White – Why am I not surprised? White guys really have nothing better to do with their time? It’s not like you can access porn on facebook…what the hell are they doing?

Hidden Camera Abuse Videos Under Fire – Which part is under fire, the abuse part…or the fact that it is caught on tape?

Gary Oldman is Really, Really Sorry – What does Gary Oldman have to be sorry about? Gary Oldman is a legend. Gary Oldman could steal a blind man’s guide dog and not have to apologize. Gary Oldman could pea in a public pool and not have to apologize. Gary Oldman could return a book to the library 3 years late and not have to apologize…in fact he could probably get the library to pay him a late fee just for making him drive there. Gary Oldman should replace that lame Dos Equis guy as the most interesting man in the World…well because he is.

World Cup 2014 Hottest Player Bracket Challenge – Seriously? That same website then also has the guts to have another story titled ‘World Cup Taking a Bite out of Worker Productivity.” Yea, no shit…because we are all too busy voting on who the hottest player is!

2 Men Throw out $1M Ticket, Sue New Jersey Lottery – Where else but New Jersey could you find 2 individuals who are literally so stupid, that they would not only throw out a winning lottery ticket, but then have the gall to sue the state because they are idiots? I was always under the impression that NJ had good schools, well these two wonder kids must be imports because you’d be hard pressed to find 2 dumber individuals wondering around in the World today. That would be the equivalent of…you know what, I can’t even think of an analogy that would equal…probably because there isn’t one. These two are literally the two biggest idiots on the face of the Earth. There has to be some kind of prize we can give them…and there is, it’s called welfare. Thanks Democrats.

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