How to Make More With Less

by Linus

I can’t believe it’s been 20 years since the Juice was loose. By that, I of course mean OJ’s now infamous run from the cops down LA’s freeways. That’s not what I want to write about though. It was the Juice made me think of the real winner that appeared from that fiasco. Kato Kaelin. Kato was a bum (he still is), but I mean literally…he was sleeping in the guest house out back. He was doing nothing with his life. He was hanging out, relaxing, smoking some of the green stuff, doing some surfing. Then the Juice showed up. Now I’m not going to take this time to comment on whether or not OJ is guilty or just the luckiest man in the world…I want to focus on my boy Kato…and all the other people who have tried to keep up with him only to fall short…all those who have made more with less.

Owen Wilson. Let’s be real here, if Owen wasn’t an actor he would be driving a bus down the 405. He is a guy who looks like he got hit in the face with a lacrosse stick about 43 times. He’s not funny. He talks weird. He’s not even the talented brother. He has not been in one good movie…yet he is winning.

Jason Segel. Where do I even begin with him? Yes he was in a mildly successful television show, but he contributed nothing. Barney literally carried that show. Without NPH, that show would have gotten cancelled after the pilot aired. He looks like a serial killer. He can’t act. He looks like he would run over your dog and keep driving. He’s winning too.

Jesse Heiman. I seriously considered putting this kid at the top of the list. To start out with, he is a bonafide legend. Raise your hand if you’ve made out with Bar Refaeli. Notice how only 1 person here had their hand up? It’s Jesse. He’s appeared in like 400 shows and commercials. He lives in Texas. These are all wins. Yes Texas is a win…need I remind you that gun racks and open beverage containers are still legal there. Remember the fence they wanted to build? Genius. But take a look at this poor guy, he looks like a life size chia-pet. If I’m in the post office and Jesse walks in, I’m catching up on my Hail Mary’s. This kid looks like he’ll take a baseball bat to your car if you fail to properly signal at the light. There’s absolutely no reason why this kid should not be compared to Milton…yet he is winning.

Barack Obama. You seem surprised with this one? Well let’s see. His name is Barack. It’s Barack. So you’re saying that 15 years ago your kid comes to you and says, “hey Mom, I’m going over to Barack’s house to play”…your letting him go? Of course not! You’re probably putting him in his room for even asking you. You might even call the police just to have them do a drive buy of ole B-boy’s house just to look for anything suspicious. You might be asking how Barack didn’t make the top of the list. After all, he is President…tough to beat that. He was born in Hawaii, tough to beat that. He has a kick ass house that we all paid for…tough to beat that. He makes $400K/year…tough to beat that. Has he ever made out with Bar? I think not. And let’s not forget…his name is Barack after all. Oh, did I mention that for a while, his last name was synonymous with the FBI’s most wanted terrorist in the world, of all time?!? Yet somehow, he is winning.

Steve Buscemi. Oh Nucky. If you happen to be a brave person, I dare you to google image Steve. I’ll give you a minute. Now that you’ve cleaned out your shorts, do I really have to say anything else about Steve? Winning.

Pat Sajak. Think about it, for the last 32 years, Pat has been asking people from across the country to tell him letters, then he asks a pretty girl if there are any letters in a particular word or phrase, then either shows mild disappointment or tepid excitement. For this Pat is paid $8 million dollars a year, and has accumulated a net worth of over $45 million. $45 million?!? Pat was a weather man…a weather man! He even hosted his own talk show. That only lasted for a little over a year. Know why it failed? Because Pat is arguably the most boring man in the World! He is the complete opposite of the Dos Equis guy. The exact polar opposite. If Pat held a staring contest with a statue, odds are the statue would voluntarily start to crumble rather than share time and space with Pat. Ever see that SNL sketch ‘It’s Pat’? Know why they picked the name Pat…look no further than Sajak. Even his name is horrible. Just say it out loud for a moment. Do you like yourself a little less now? That’s the power of Sajak…he’s like a spirit vacuum. But on the flip side, he’s gotten to hang with Vanna for 32 years. Your telling me that in all that time they haven’t snuck into the break room a few times? And he does have the easiest job in the world…literally the easiest job in the world. They actually did a test in some select markets where a capuchin monkey hosted his show and the ratings were actually better. Not only could he be replaced by a monkey, the show would actually be better. Multiple words describe The Sajak, one of which is winner.

I could go on all day, but I think we got a pretty good list here. All these fine folks are making more with less. All of these fine people are chasing one man though. The original and still the best. Kato Kaelin. The man who set the standard. A man who literally has made a life out of two people getting killed (allegedly by OJ). A man who just wanted a place to sleep, but found a life…a calling really. A man who refused to get a haircut for fear he wouldn’t be recognized. A man who inspired a generation of young kids. A man who for a short time was on the lecture circuit. A bum, yet a winner. For no one in this world has made more with less than Kato. I raise my glass to you sir, I wish I could touch and inspire people like you…only I don’t want anything to do with OJ.