Revolving Doors

by Linus

I don’t like revolving doors. Perhaps nothing more in life symbolizes the man holding us down more than revolving doors. Think about it, you approach to door with a brisk walk, and as you enter you are forced to slow down, take these humiliating mini-steps, the door is hitting you/your bag in the back, you are trying to simultaneously push the door with your hand while also trying to push it with your foot, while not tripping, it’s a shit show. Ever wonder why you feel a sense of relief when you exit a revolving door? Wonder no more. It’s claustrophobic, you are trying to time your entrance into the door so you don’t screw up the person who is also trying to exit, you are trying to walk fast while the old lady in front of you is trying to walk slow, you push hard and the guy who exits in front of you shoots you this look that says “what, I didn’t move fast enough for you?”

There are no rules, it’s every man for himself. How do you deal with a lady? Do you let her go first so she has to push the door, or do you go in front of her so you can bear the brunt of the 300lb pieces of glass? You go first thinking you are helping her out and now she is mad at you because you aren’t a gentleman. She is a cute brunette and you want to talk to her but you can’t because you know inside she already knows you are selfish. Thanks to those revolving doors, your relationship with that cute girl who wears those black knee high boots, black tights, white skirt and black jacket is over before it begins.

They have a governor on them so if you are by yourself, you still have to walk like you have a piano on your back. What happens if you go to Australia and you don’t know that doors rotate the other way? I’ll tell you what happens, you look like a tool because you go to push the door and you can’t figure out why it won’t move. For all of you who are going to Australia soon, you’re welcome for that little tidbit of information. You ever get stuck inside one of these things because some idiot tried to rush to get in and they end up getting wedged between the door and the jam causing the whole thing to stop, all because they couldn’t wait 2 seconds for the next opening, it’s a mess.

The one place that uses these effectively, airports. The entrance is like 15 feet wide, the door moves by itself, there’s more than enough room for you, your luggage, and that obese person who will soon be sitting next to you and half in your seat on your impending flight, it’s perfection on a swivel. Whenever you can take human interaction out of the equation, you have a victory. The only thing humans do consistently really well is screw things up.

As for me, I’ll stick to using the door next to the revolving doors so the next time you’ll see me, I’ll be at the bar having a drink with a cute brunette.

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