In this crazy world of ours, it is very easy to get pulled in multiple directions at once, it is very easy to lose track of what is important, to drift away from reality for a moment. In spite of all this, it is nice to know that the good folks from Whitehouse Station, NJ have their priorities in the right place. In case you missed this, the principal from the middle school in that quaint New Jersey town has said that girls cannot wear strapless dresses to an eighth grade dance because…(wait for it, wait for it) they’d distract boys.
So let me see if I understand this. The removal of 2 pieces of fabric, potentially adding up to an inch, inch and a half in total width between the two, is going to create such a frenzy, it is going to drive boys over the edge that they will not be able to control themselves? A strap. Two straps…that’s what we’re talking about here. This NJ principal clearly doesn’t understand boys at all…I question whether this principal (who happens to be a woman) has ever spent any time with adolescent boys at all…does she have any idea what makes them tick? Does she understand that from the second boys wake up to the second they go to sleep, they are in a constant state of distraction? In the short time it’s taken me to write this, I’ve already been distracted 5 times and everyone I’ve seen have all had their shoulders covered up. Does the principal realize that by drawing all this attention to straps or no straps, she is providing an even bigger distraction? If this lady wants to hold an eighth grade dance with both boys and girls and she doesn’t want any distractions, here are a few rules she is going to have to follow:
1 – Boys must not be able to see girls
2 – Boys must not be able to hear girls
3 – Boys must not be able to smell girls
4 – Boys must not be in the same room as girls
5 – Girls must not be there, but if they have to, their attire must be as follows
5a – Turtle neck shirt, covered up by a shall or some other sweater that will add additional coverage to their shoulders. Long pants in a neutral color. Shoes must be flat so as to not accentuate any part of young lady’s body, heels of any kind will be removed and destroyed at the door. Hair must be down so as to cover the neck. Earrings and necklaces are not allowed as they may reflect light which could be construed as a distraction.
6 – Lights must be fully illuminated, and must remain so throughout the entire dance
7 – There is no music
8 – There is no dancing
9 – There is no talking
10 – There must be a one-to-one ratio of chaperones to dance participants
So the big question is…what are the parents of these eighth graders going to do? They could protest…but they’d probably get arrested. They could have their kids boycott the dance…but that would deprive the kids of memories that would last a lifetime and potentially damage them beyond repair. If I were them, I would sue. That is the only logical conclusion here. Clearly this principal is depriving them of their right to wear dresses with no straps…that’s a right, right? I think we should outlaw dances too, they are such a waste of time and clearly all they do is create problems. Now there is only a month and a half left until the dance, how are girls going to find a new outfit to wear? This principal is being totally irrational.
Once again New Jersey is a leader, once again we are shown why we shouldn’t cede New Jersey to Canada, once again we are shown that the best and brightest people reside in New Jersey. Dammit, a girl just walked by and I got distracted again…argh!!