2012 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

by Linus

Announcer – Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the 2012 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show (cheers and applause).  Please welcome your Victoria’s Secret Angels (cheers and applause).  With special appearances by Rihanna (cheers and applause), Bruno Mars (cheers and applause), and Justin Bieber (record scratches and music stops).  What the hell is Justin Bieber doing at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show??  He has about as much business being at a Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show as I do being at a AARP event for retired senior ladies.  I will freely admit that before last night, I had never heard this kid sing a song, if you played 3 songs on the radio…I wouldn’t have been able to guess which one was his, but I did know that he was considered *clears throat* a teen idol.  After last night, we clearly need to re-visit the criteria for being a teen idol if this kid is considered one.

During the first segment of the show, Rihanna performed one of her songs while the Angels were doing their thing on the runway.  During the second segment, Bruno Mars played one of their songs while the Angels did their thing on the runway.  Then the show took an unexpected and unfortunate turn.  During the third segment we were tormented by having Justin Bieber along with some guy who needed a haircut do an a-capella version of his song.  It was just Justin singing, and his friend playing the guitar.  There were no Angels walking the runway, there was nothing, just this kid and his friend.  Now, normally that wouldn’t be so bad, but let me highlight a few of the negatives.  First of all, for those of you who haven’t seen this Bieber kid, if I had to describe his appearance last night to a police sketch artist, I would say that he has a very soft face, almost feminine like.  His hair was straight out of 1992, just look for Kid N Play…only without Play.  His jacket was white, and clearly high jacked from Michael Jackson’s closet (not that he’ll need it anymore)…it couldn’t have been more 1985 if he tried.  It was sleeveless so it showed off his beautiful Angel Hair Pasta arms.  He of course had saggy jeans on *sigh*.  I’ll leave much of this for another post, but if there is one thing you can do in life to ensure people will end up not liking you and ensuring you won’t succeed, wear saggy jeans.  His shoes were also white, complimenting his soft, white, gentile, moisturized skin.  They were also clearly stolen from RUN DMC’s closet.  In other words, there was very little that was original about this pre-pubescent princess.

After the pain of those 4 minutes ended, we were finally reunited with the Angels *ahhhh*…unfortunately that Bieber kid was back on the stage singing yet another horrible tune and showing us moves that made me think he wanted to be the 8th member of *N Sync.  He was up on stage walking around singing, trying to be cool, and worse yet he was joined by about 15 of his boyfriends back-up singers who were trying to emulate every one of his dance moves.  The only thing that made this performance slightly bearable is that this time, the Angels were at least on stage walking the runway so we had something to distract us from this mini action figure that sprung to life.  I’m not sure where this kid came from, but I wish he would go back.  How did he end up there in the first place, was Timberlake booked?

In closing, I would say that the unfortunate appearance of that cute little girl annoying wanna-be member of a soon-t0-be boy band only mildly took away from the whole show.  It was again a beautiful display of women, fashion, and women…three things that don’t normally make an appearance on my normal Tuesday night calendar.  The themes VS went with were great, the women were again striking, all-in-all a great show, let’s do it again next year…only sans Bieber.