Why do we Celebrate Dead People’s Birthdays?

by Linus

If you happened to visit Google yesterday, as I do at least 37 times each day, you noticed their cute little depiction of the word Google appeared as a cartoon Julia Child.  The reason, because yesterday was Julia Child’s 100th birthday…well it would have been if she weren’t dead.  That’s the whole point…she’s dead!  Why are we celebrating her birthday?  If you’re happening around the internet today, you are starting to see Elvis (*sigh*) articles all over the place.  The reason, because today is the day Elvis died.  He’s dead people…let him go.  I get it if he died last year, it’s a moment for all the die-hard fans to remember what it was like when he was alive, how their lives were so much better, how the world was a better place to live…but do these people realize he’s been dead for 35 years?  In the year 2112, are there really going to be droves of idiots going to Memphis to celebrate the 135th anniversary of his death?  Probably.  It’s time to move on, we as a society have too big of a problem letting go.  I really don’t care much for Elvis, so he had a few decent songs, appeared in a few movies, but without Forrest Gump teaching him how to move his hips…where would he be?

We put idiots like Elvis on higher pedestals than we do Presidents.  Quick, what was the date that Abraham Lincoln died?  Without Google, you don’t know.  When was the last time you turned on the news and saw a tribute to Abe’s 203rd birthday?  Or when you paid your taxes this past April, did you think to yourself…wow, good ole Abe’s been dead for 147 years…I can’t believe it’s been that long.  If you’re a betting person, I would bet that next (insert date here when Michael Jackson died) you will see Google do one of their famous animated logos*, and it will probably be of Mike moonwalking.

There are sooooooo many people whose birthday or deathdays we should be honoring ahead of Julia ‘potential CIA spy’ Child, or Elvis ‘without Forrest I would be nothing’ Presley, or Michael ‘hey your son is cute’ Jackson.  It is just another illustration that our priorities are so far out of whack.  We are a society that is so fixated on celebrities it’s scary.  Forget about the whole Princess Diana thing, how is there no law here to curb the insane measures that the paparazzi go through to get photographs?  They are literally hanging out of trees to get a shot…nothing wrong with that, there are hords of the walking backwards down a street so we can get a shot of some actress walking…that makes sense.

If you want to honor some dead celebrity, then do us all a favor and do it in your own home…and please keep all pertinent info related to dead celebrity off the internet.  If you are that pathetic, then there’s a good chance you aren’t ready for society anyway.  Take the day off work, play all their records/cd’s, watch all their movies, think of all the ways their life was better than yours, then move on.  In case you need some assistance, the key to that last sentence was the part about MOVING ON.  Chances are the celebrity you are honoring is literally a pile of bones…so when you think about it, you are honoring a pile of bones…aye.

*Note – if you work at Google, please tell them I love those animated logos.  The ones depicting sports during the Olympics were great.

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