Top Baby Names

by Linus

So the list that soon-to-be parents anxiously await is finally out (I heard that some even camped out on the sidewalk in anticipation), the top baby names of 2011 was just released. Soon-to-be getting no sleepers frantically comb through the list to see where their chosen baby name will fall, will it be number 1, number 2, oh no…not number 11. I don’t want my kid to be born on the outside looking in….ahhhh!! Parents want to give their kid every advantage in life, so we might as well start with their name. In case you don’t spend 20 hours a day combing the internet, here is the list:


1. Jacob 2. Mason 3. William 4. Jayden 5. Noah 6. Michael 7. Ethan 8. Alexander 9. Aiden 10. Daniel


1. Sophia 2. Isabella 3. Emma 4. Olivia 5. Ava 6. Emily 7. Abigail 8. Madison 9. Mia 10. Chloe

Apparently the only real news worthy item here is the rapid rise of Mason. It has risen all the way up to number 2 and bumped perennially top ten Anthony off the list. All you Italians better get procreating fast. The only real comment I have here is number 10 for the girls. Who in their right mind would ever want to name their kid Chloe? My apologies to everyone reading this who is actually named Chloe…but it is ok to not like your name. I have only met one Chloe in my life, and it was the beagle of a girl I used to date…and I thought that was a perfect fit. Not to mention the fact that one of the Kardashian sisters, the one that slightly resembles a wookie, is named that. I can’t think of any more motivation than that not to use that name for anyone with less than four legs.

The real exciting thing is the release of the list of trending names; these are the ones that are moving fast up the popular list. Here is that list:


1. Brantley 2. Iker 3. Maximiliano 4. Zaiden 5. Kamden 6. Barrett 7. Archer 8. Declan 9. Atticus 10. Nico


1. Briella 2. Angelique 3. Aria 4. Mila 5. Elsie 6. Nylah 7. Raelynn 8. Brynlee 9. Olive 10. June

I will take some time to comment on these.

Brantley – I can’t help but think of a piece of wood. I’m imaging a boy chopping wood in Tennessee.
Iker – Is he an absentee hiker, or perhaps a piker of some sort?
Maximiliano – It’s ok to name your kid Max, just Max. You don’t need to make him appear to be more gallant, alcohol in his 20’s will do that for him.
Zaiden – It’s like a clever new take on Aiden, with a sort of Zorro twist. He would be the super hero version of Aiden!
Kamden – Is he named after a very violent town in New Jersey?
Barrett – No one outside of Connecticut should have this name, and if you live in Connecticut, at least one of your parents must work for a hedge fund.
Archer – Career path chosen. It’s sort of like naming your kid Jeeves…you’ve pretty much mapped out their future for them.
Declan – Can’t stand the clan, we need all the declanning we can get.
Atticus – Somewhere Harper Lee is smiling.
Nico – I’m thinking future bouncer outside Webster Hall.

Briella – Ok, the Italians can stop procreating now.
Angelique – Not happening…she’s not going to marry Brad.
Aria – Is she an Italian love song?
Mila – I suppose this is better than naming her Kunis.
Elsie – Is your child a 60 year old British woman?
Nylah – It’s like they couldn’t pick between 2 names, so they just mashed them together into one.
Raelynn – The usual custom is a first name, then a middle…not one all together.
Brynlee – What does this even mean?
Olive – Hi Olive, my name is Cucumber, it’s nice to meet you.
June – The ultimate in un-originality. Why not just name her Summer?

So what’s the lesson here? Life is hard enough without having to spend most of it jammed inside a locker, so don’t name your kid after an inanimate object! Don’t name your kid Blue Ivy! Don’t name your kid after a piece of fruit! Are you catching on yet?? The problem here is that parents think that by giving their child a unique name, that will equate to them being this free spirit, this incredibly unique person who will be unlike anyone else…when in reality all that occurs is they end up hating their parents because they have a really stupid name.